By Abiathar Humphrey, The Pequod Daily

Facing intense scrutiny due to her recent disclosure that she shot and killed two family animals, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem has adopted a 4 month old Golden Retriever/German Shepherd mix who she has named Millie. “Though I still contend that elitist politicians have zero business telling us salt of the earth, hard working country folk how to go about our business,” Noem said “I do understand that some people get upset at the thought of any animal coming to a premature end. I just want the public to know that I’m going to go through every available option before I inevitably have to take Millie out to the gravel pit like all the rest.”

Noem says that she’s learned her lesson from past animal shootings and contends that she’s capable of being a responsible owner of a body retrieval dog. “I’m learning to be a bit more patient in my training method. I’m starting out by introducing Millie to the corpses of some of our farm’s more recent unruly animals. This here was Mister Mistoffelees, he was a truly bratty tabby. I dealt with his nonsense for about 15 months or so, then he hacked up a furball on the couch and at that point it really wasn’t even a question.” Noem’s 11 month Pitbull Rocky was not spared of her wrath either “We got Rocky to kill the foxes who tried to get into the henhouse. One morning, I’m making coffee, I look out the window and I see Rocky playing with a fox. Playing! I got the thing to break their necks and it’s playing with the damned thing.” Even Noem’s 3 year old Chow Chow Samantha found herself taken out to the gravel pit “Frankly, she was just a bitch.”

Only time will tell if Noem’s new training method will give Millie a longer lifetime than that of the animals whose corpses Millie will be retrieving, but Noem assures the public that Millie will get every opportunity to show her worth. “If she does well with those, I figure I can start introducing Millie to some fresher kills.” Noem bought Millie’s brother Duke, it seems, just for such an occasion. “I figure if she can retrieve Duke’s corpse without too much of a fuss, she can officially be welcomed to the family.” Noem provided a final warning before returning to her duties as governor. “Has anyone seen my daughter around? I swear, that girl better start carrying her weight around here.”